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Sex and Relationships Pamphlets

Abstinence and Staying With It

More and more people are deciding to wait to have sex.
You might be thinking that waiting makes sense for you right now. You also might be wondering whether you’ll be able to stick to a decision to be abstinent.
If you know in advance what could make it hard to stick to your decision, you can plan some strategies to help.


PRESSURE TO HAVE SEX

Movies, songs, TV shows and ads can make it seem like everyone is having sex. Your friends may be having sex, or want to. If you’ve decided not to have sex, you may feel left out.

DEVELOP A SUPPORT SYSTEM TO HELP YOU STICK WITH YOUR DECISION.

MAKE FRIENDS with people who feel the same way you do.

FIND ROLE MODELS among sports, music or TV stars who have decided not to have sex.

TALK OVER YOUR CHALLENGES and successes with friends who care.


IF YOU HAVE A PARTNER

You might feel that having sex is the only way to get or keep a partner. Or your partner might put pressure on you or keep asking you to have sex.

It’s important to be clear about your decision and to have your partner’s support.

TALK ABOUT YOUR REASONS for waiting before you get into sexual situations with your partner.

BE CLEAR ABOUT YOUR LIMITS and which sexual behaviors, if any, you are comfortable with.

DO THINGS TOGETHER. Share interests, activities and projects.

SHOW YOUR LOVE in other ways -- write letters, listen to music, share your feelings.

DISCUSS ANY OBSTACLES to abstinence, and plan ways to overcome them.


IF YOUR PARTNER DOESN’T WANT TO WAIT

Sometimes a partner may not agree with your decision. IF THIS IS THE CASE:

EXPLAIN YOUR DECISION and your reasons.

COUNTER, “You would if you loved me” with, “I need you to respect my feelings” or, “If you really cared about me, you wouldn’t pressure me.”

IF YOU CAN’T COME TO AN UNDERSTANDING, you might need to make some difficult decisions, such as ending the relationship.


ALCOHOL AND OTHER DRUGS

Drinking alcohol or using other drugs can make it very difficult to stick to a decision not to have sex. Even small amounts can decrease your inhibitions and affect your judgment.

MAKE AVOIDING ALCOHOL AND OTHER DRUGS PART OF YOUR NO-SEX PLAN.

IF YOU’RE OFFERED A DRINK OR DRUGS, say, “No thanks,” “I’ll pass” or “Maybe another time.”

ASK FOR JUICE, iced tea or a soft drink.

AVOID PLACES, such as certain parties or clubs, where there will be pressure to drink or use drugs.

VOLUNTEER TO BE THE “DESIGNATED DRIVER,” so you won’t be tempted to drink or use drugs.

SEXUAL FEELINGS

Sexual feelings are natural or normal. But they also can make it easy to ignore your good reasons for waiting. Remember, you can have sexual feelings and not act on them.

PLANNING AHEAD CAN HELP.

AVOID spending a lot of time alone with a partner.

DO THINGS WITH OTHER COUPLES or go our in a group.

LIMIT YOUR PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES to things that don’t lead to strong sexual feelings.

REMEMBER YOUR REASONS for being abstinent. You may want to:

wait until your ready.
wait for marriage
wait for a serious, committed relationship
avoid pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease, including HIV/AIDS

IF YOU’VE HAD SEX

JUST BECAUSE YOU’VE HAD SEX, DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO HAVE SEX AGAIN.

Think about what happened.
Examine what pressures caused you to have sex.
Create a plan to deal with those pressures in the future.
Renew your decision to wait.
Remember the personal benefits of waiting.

DATING NEW PEOPLE

Going out with or meeting new people can challenge your decision. You may have to explain over and over why you want to wait.
Interrupting a romantic moment to talk about sex and waiting can be hard if you haven’t thought about it beforehand.

HERE ARE SOME IDEAS:

BE UP FRONT with a new date about your sexual limits, before the situation gets physical.

SAY, “You need to know that I’ve decided to postpone sex for now,” or “That’s as far as I’m willing to go.”

DON’T GO ALONE in a car or home with someone you’ve just met.

“IT JUST HAPPENED...”

Sometimes couples who don’t have anything else to do together have sex to keep from being bored. People who don’t have plans for the future may be less likely to commit to a decision to wait.

GETTING INVOLVED IN OTHER ACTIVITIES AND THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE CAN HELP YOU CAN MAKE A SURE PLAN FOR YOURSELF.

JOIN A SPORTS TEAM or club.

VOLUNTEER at a local hospital, nursing home or daycare center.

LEARN TO PLAY an instrument.

BECOME INVOLVED in a community service project.

PICTURE THE FUTURE you’d like to have for yourself. Think about your dreams: finishing school...having a career...having enough money for something special....

IMAGINE how getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant, or getting a sexually transmitted disease, would change your dreams for the future.

IT’S IMPORTANT TO BE CLEAR ABOUT YOUR DECISION AND TO HAVE YOUR PARTNER’S SUPPORT.

YOU CAN STAY WITH IT!

HAVING A PLAN TO DEAL WITH PRESSURES CAN HELP YOU SUCCEED.

THINK ABOUT YOUR REASONS for deciding to be abstinent, and take time to feel good about the benefits.

AVOID SITUATIONS where it might be hard to wait or where sexual feelings might make things confusing.

PRACTICE WAYS TO SAY NO ahead of time, and ways to explain your choice.

HAVE A VISION of what you want for your life and future, and believe you can make it happen.

CELEBRATE your ability to make a choice and stick with it!


101 WAYS TO MAKE LOVE WITHOUT DOING IT

Tell the other person that you love them
Give or get a hug
Make the other person feel important and respected
Kiss
Have fun together
Tell the other person that you care
Hold hands
Go for a long bike ride
Give a special gift
Be there when a friend is needed
Spend time together
Go to a movie
Walk arm in arm in the woods
Make a special tape of love songs
Talk openly about your feelings
Share dreams with each other
Snuggle up together
Sit together in a park
Take a walk together
Go out to eat
Have a picnic
Play a game of Frisbee
Give compliments
Relax in a whirlpool
Go swimming
Just be close
Go grocery shopping
Cook a meal together
Touch each other in a loving way
Do homework together
Plan and go on a road trip together
Throw a party together
Bake cookies
Go to the library
Browse in a museum
Just be there
Find out what’s special for the other person, and do it
Exercise together
Gaze at each other
Wash each other’s cars
Go fishing
Talk to each other
Listen to hurts
Do a work project together
Choose a special, favorite song
Listen to joys
Hold one another close
Use eye contact to share a private thought
Write each other letters
Talk on the telephone
Trust one another
Give or receive a promise ring
Meet each other’s family
Go hiking together
Make sacrifices for each other
Send candy
Respect each other
Go for a moonlight walk
Hide a love note where the other will find it
Give each other sexy looks
Write a poem
Send flowers
Eat dinner by candlelight
Go to a concert
Watch the sunrise together
Take a drive together
Give each other pet names
Go sightseeing
Rent a video
Do things for each other without being asked
Propose marriage
Whisper something nice into each other’s ear
Be best friends
Take a carriage ride through the park
Go out dancing
Play music together
Flirt with each other
Laugh at something funny together
Be faithful
Impress each other
Make a list of things you like about each other
Read a book and discuss it
Meet each other’s friends
Go horseback riding
Cook each other’s favorite food
Find out what makes the other happy
Make each other gifts
Be caring
Watch the sunset
Give diamonds
Dedicate a song on the radio
Send a funny card
Share lifetime goals with each other
Play “Footsie”
Share private jokes
Think about each other
Find out what makes the other sad
Go skating
Trade class rings
Share an ice cream cone
Have your picture taken together

Iowa high school students were asked to list other ways besides sexual intercourse they might use to show they loved someone.


CYCLE OF VIOLENCE

WHAT IS THE “CYCLE OF VIOLENCE?”

In a violent relationship, the same things may happen over and over again. Not all relationships follow this “cycle of violence.” But many go through these 3 stages:

THE TENSION-BUILDING STAGE

No matter what you do, you can’t please your partner. Your partner may shout, blame, criticize, threaten, call you names or refuse to speak to you.

THE EXPLOSION

The explosion can be verbal, physical and/or sexual (rape). The batterer may scream, yell, shove, slap, hit, punch, kick, break things, or even use weapons to frighten you.

THE “I’M SORRY” STAGE

After the explosion, batterers may be sorry and promise it will never happen again. Some may cry or bring you flowers and gifts. Some may threaten to kill themselves or you, if you leave.
Things may be calm for awhile, then the cycle begins again.
Not all batterers say “I’m sorry.” And an apology doesn’t mean you are safe from the violence.


WHAT YOU CAN DO

YOU CAN’T CONTROL WHAT YOUR PARTNER DOES, BUT YOU CAN TAKE STEPS TO BE SAFER.

WHEN THE TENSION STARTS BUILDING:

Pay attention to your feelings. Are you tense, fearful or on edge?
Don’t minimize or deny the danger.
Don’t try to argue or reason.
You CAN’T change a batter’s mind or behavior.
Get away if you can. Don’t say you are leaving. This may put you in more danger.

DURING THE EXPLOSION:

The most important thing is to protect yourself.
Get away if you can.
Try to avoid unsafe areas in your home. Stay away from the kitchen (where knives are kept), the basement or garage (where tools are stored) and any rooms with guns. Avoid rooms with hard surfaces and only one exit, such as the bathroom.
If you are being hit, protect your face with your hands and arms. If you are knocked down, curl up in a ball on the floor and continue to protect your face and head.

IF YOU HEAR “I’M SORRY”:

Know that no matter what the batterer says, without professional help, the violence will happen again.
Get help for yourself. Find out how to be safer when the violence happens again.


WHAT TO KNOW

BATTERING IS NOT YOUR FAULT. The batterer is the one who has the problem and who needs to get help.

YOU MIGHT FEEL CONFUSED. Many women who are battered feel ashamed, afraid, guilty or humiliated. They think they should be able to make it stop. They can’t.

VIOLENCE IS DANGEROUS AND UNPREDICTABLE. It may not follow a cycle. If it does, the time between explosions tends to get shorter. In the future there may be no “I’m sorry” stage.

VIOLENCE WILL GET WORSE. Without professional help, the violence will keep happening. Over time it will get worse. In time, the batterer will kill you or himself, or both of you.


VIOLENCE IS AGAINST THE LAW

If your partner hits you, report it to the police as soon as you can.
The police can come to you or you can go to them. They will talk to you in person and file a report.
If you have been injured, they may take pictures of your injuries.
They may arrest your partner.

DON’T LISTEN TO ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU THAT THE ABUSE IS YOUR FAULT. NO ONE EVER DESERVES TO BE BATTERED.

WAYS TO GET HELP

CALL THE WOMEN’S CRISIS LINE in your community. They can tell you what resources are available. Or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

MAKE A LIST OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS who could help in an emergency. Ask what they would be willing to do (transportation, shelter, money, etc.).

JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP. You will learn more about domestic violence. Groups for battered women can give you information, comfort and support.

FIND OUT YOUR LEGAL RIGHTS. There are ways to keep a batterer away from you, your home and your children. Call a women’s shelter or the County Bar Association to learn what to do.

GET COUNSELING. Find a counselor who understands domestic violence and is sensitive to those who’ve been through it. Ask a women’s shelter to refer you to someone.

GO TO A SHELTER (a place where you and your children can stay for a while). Shelters offer safety, counseling and support while you decide what to do next.


WHAT CHILDREN NEED TO KNOW

CHILDREN KNOW THAT FIGHTING IS GOING ON, EVEN IF YOU THINK THEY DON’T. DENYING IT OR NOT TALKING ABOUT IT UPSETS THEM EVEN MORE.

Talk to them and let them tell you how they feel.

Tell them that the fighting IS NOT THEIR FAULT.

Tell them to STAY OUT of the fighting.

Talk about where they can hide INSIDE the home (in a closet, under the bed, in a room that has a lock on the door).

Talk about where they can hide OUTSIDE the house (garage, neighbors’ or friends’ homes).

Talk about whom they can go to for help (grandparents, other relatives, neighbors, friends, police).

Teach older children how to call 9-1-1. Practice what to say when they call. (“Daddy is hitting Mommy. We live at ... Hurry!”)

HOW BATTERERS CAN GET HELP

THERAPY GROUPS

Batterers MUST get professional help to stop the cycle of violence.

They have to want to stop.

They must agree to weekly sessions in a therapy group for batterers for at least 1 year. Therapists trained in domestic violence lead these groups. They try to help batterers change their violent behavior.


ALCOHOL / DRUG TREATMENT PROGRAMS

Using alcohol and other drugs can add to violent behavior. But even with treatment for drug or alcohol abuse, a batterer still needs help to stop battering.

EVEN WITH COUNSELING, VIOLENT PATTERNS ARE HARD TO BREAK. SO YOU NEED TO GET HELP FOR YOURSELF AND HAVE PLANS TO STAY SAFE.

WHAT IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

Abusing a partner physically, emotionally or sexually is called domestic violence. It is also called “battering.”

Battering is physical force used to control or hurt someone. Batterers hit, slap, kick, push or sexually assault (rape) the other person.

Emotional abuse is also a form of violence. Threats, shouting, name calling and other verbal abuses are used to frighten the other person.

Violence isn’t normal. In fact, battering is against the law.