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Pamphlets WHAT IS ACQUAINTANCE RAPE? Acquaintance rape occurs when a woman is forced to have sexual intercourse against her will by someone she knows. The rapist may be a friend, date, neighbor, partner or husband. Most rape victims are women, but men can also be raped. ANYONE who is forced to have unwanted sex by a friend, relative, partner or other acquaintance is a rape victim. But because rape usually happens to women, this pamphlet refers to female victims and male offenders.
Any woman is at risk for acquaintance rape regardless of her age, race, education level or socioeconomic status. According to FBI estimates, 1 in 3 women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. 75% of sexual assaults are committed by an acquaintance. The American Medical Association estimates that a woman is sexually assaulted every 45 seconds. 61% of those woman are under the age of 18.
There are warning signs that a man may be a potential rapist. Not all men with these characteristics are rapists. MANY ACQUAINTANCE RAPISTS: See their acts as seduction, not rape. See women as sex objects and do not respect them. Resent women in positions of authority. Often invade women’s personal space. Continue to touch a woman even when asked to stop. See aggression and violence as normal behavior. Expect relationships with women to be on their terms.
Many people believe that acquaintance rape sometimes results in miscommunication about sex that’s based on some old patterns: In the past, women have been expected to say no at first, even when they intended to have sex with someone. Therefore, some men may believe a woman means yes, even when she says no. To overcome potential misunderstandings, both partners need to know their sexual desires and limits. And both need to express these limits clearly to each other.
If you are in immediate danger of being raped, the following suggestions may help: TRY TO STAY CALM. It will be easier to think clearly. BE ASSERTIVE. Pleading and crying is not likely to help. USE ACTIVE RESISTANCE. Try fighting, screaming or running away, if possible. USE PASSIVE RESISTANCE. Say that you have a sexually transmitted disease, such as herpes or HIV. TRUST YOUR FEELINGS about the situation you are in. Submission may be the best way to avoid more injury.
Rape cannot always be prevented, but there are things you can do to reduce the risk of rape before you get into a sexual situation. FOR MEN Know your sexual desires and limits. Communicate your desires and limits clearly. Don’t assume a woman wants to have sex because she is dressed a certain way, is friendly or has been drinking. Listen to what a woman says. Accept her sexual limits and assume she means what she says. Don’t take being rejected for sex as being rejected as a person. Avoid excessive drinking and drug use.
Know your sexual desires and limits. Communicate your desires and limits clearly. If you are feeling uncomfortable in a situation, pay attention and do something about it. Be alert for any signs. Avoid excessive drinking and drug use.
Women who have been raped may feel ashamed. Guilt and self-blame are also common. Women often feel they were somehow responsible, or that they should have been able to prevent the rape. Depression is common after acquaintance rape and may interfere with the person’s daily routine. The rape may also affect the way she feels about men. Many women never tell anyone. They may not realize that being forced to have sex by someone they know is indeed rape.
It’s hard to tell how family, partners and friends will react. Many people don’t consider it rape if a victim knows the rapist. Because of this, they sometimes blame the person who was raped. IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN RAPED: Support her by listening to her, believing her and taking her seriously. Do not judge her actions as right or wrong. Encourage her to seek help from qualified rape counselors. Support her decision of whether or not to report the rape to the police. Offer to go with her to a hospital, police station or rape crisis center IF SHE WANTS TO GO.
DON’T BLAME YOURSELF -- you are the victim of a crime. Seek help from someone. IT’S IMPORTANT TO HAVE SUPPORT. SEEK MEDICAL HELP. You may be at risk for a sexually transmitted disease and / or pregnancy. Also, medical evidence will be needed if you decide to press charges against the rapist. TALK TO SOMEONE TRAINED TO HELP. Family members, partners and friends may not always understand you. THESE PEOPLE CAN HELP: Counselors at women’s centers, sexual assault centers or school counseling centers. Rape hotlines. Emergency room staff, doctors or nurses. Police trained to help rape victims.
Using alcohol and / or drugs may increase the risk of acquaintance rape. In most acquaintance rape cases, both people had been drinking and / or using drugs. At least 2 drugs have become known as “date rape” drugs. Rohypnol (“roofies,” “roaches,” “larocha”) and Gamma-hydroxybutyric acid (“G” or “GHB”) have similar effects. Both cause sleep and amnesia-like symptoms. The ability to remember is impaired even more when these drugs are taken with alcohol and / or other drugs. To avoid the possibility of being drugged, do not accept drinks from strangers or casual acquaintances, and never leave a drink unattended.
Could this be rape? A man and a woman have been study partners most of the semester. While he is giving her a lift home he pulls over to the side of the road and tries to get on top of her. She resists, moving away from him. He points out that she is out in the country with no other way home. He proceeds to remove her pants and has intercourse with her. A couple have been going out for awhile and have had sex before. After a dinner date, they return to his place where he begins to take off her clothes. She pushes him back, saying “no.” Despite these protests, he pulls her firmly against him, says “yes” and continues to undress her. They have intercourse. A woman is at a party and is very drunk. A man, whom she knows through a friend, has had a few drinks with her. He leads her into an unoccupied room in the house. They begin to make out and he feels as if she is responding to him. They have intercourse. He leaves her in the room, asleep or passed out, and returns to the party. THE IMAGES WE SEE... in advertisements, on TV and in movies portray forced sex as somehow natural and permissible, especially if it involves people who know each other. These images reflect society’s tolerance of acquaintance rape -- an epidemic of violent crime. ACQUAINTANCE RAPE Acquaintance rape is when someone forces you to have sexual intercourse against your will -- whether you are passed out, too drunk to refuse, too scared to argue or for some other reason do not give consent. Acquaintance rape is a form of sexual assault -- a spectrum of unlawful, sexually violent behaviors. Other forms of sexual assault include unwanted touching of another person’s buttocks, breasts, penis or vagina; forced penetration of genital or vaginal opening with an object; or unwanted sexual comments, jokes and gestures. It victimizes women and men -- whether straight, gay, lesbian or bisexual.
SOCIALIZATION Since we were children dressed in pink or blue, we have been encouraged to act certain ways depending on our gender. As we grow up, we learn to accept some unrealistic and hurtful expectations. SHOULD A MAN... not take no for an answer? SHOULD A WOMAN... not say “yes” to sex?
“I could tell she wanted it...” She wore a miniskirt. Women who wear short skirts, drink a lot, like to kiss or enjoy someone’s company have not already consented to sex. Hearing a clear, sober “yes” to the question “Do you want to make love?” is very different from thinking, “Well, she didn’t say ‘No.’” The difference can be rape.
“She had it coming to her...” Rape is about power and anger. Often, a man rapes to overpower or express anger at a woman -- to get back at her. “We had sex before, only this time she didn’t want to. Well, I did.” Such a man may force sex to confirm his own idea of masculinity. None of these reasons justifies forcing sex on someone else. ALCOHOL, SEX AND RAPE We hear a lot of things about alcohol, like... Alcohol inhibits clear thinking. For some people, these effects sound pretty good. By drinking or using other drugs, they can avoid thinking or talking about rejection, guilt or reputation and just do it...get themselves and / or the other person drunk enough to let sex “just happen.” But consenting sex doesn’t “just happen.” Consenting sex requires sober, verbal communication without intimidation or threats. Many states’ laws recognize that when someone is drunk, they are unable to give true consent. Additionally, being drunk is never an excuse for raping someone.
According to national surveys: 4 in 5 women who are victims of sexual assault know their attackers. 42% of women in one study said they had been victims of sexual coercion while dating in college. Of those women, 70% did not seek help. Women are more likely to report sexual assault if their assailant is a stranger rather than an acquaintance, and they are more likely to report completed rape than attempted rape. Over 2/3 of men involved in sexual assault at one university had been drinking at the time of the incident, as well as half of the female victims.
THINK Think about how you respond to social pressures and ask yourself: What role does sex play in my
life? CHALLENGE THE MYTHS AND STEREOTYPES Challenge your friends who belittle
rape or don’t understand it -- who accept these definitions of
sex and gender roles that include forcing someone to have sex or getting
them too drunk to say “no.” COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY Saying “yes” or “no” may be difficult, but it’s important. Acting sorry sends mixed messages. The other person can’t really know how you feel without hearing it from you. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. Even if you can’t explain why, you have the right to trust your feelings and have them respected. Tell your partner what you want -- or don’t want -- and stick with your decision. LISTEN carefully to what the other person is saying. Are you getting mixed messages? Do you understand him or her? If not -- ask. Remember, yes only means yes when said clearly, not when your partner is intoxicated, asleep or impaired in any way. ASK, rather than assume. You and your partner should talk about what would be most enjoyable together. REMEMBER that effective and assertive communication may not always work. Sometimes people simply don’t listen. However -- no one ever DESERVES to be raped!
A friend who has been raped may confide in you 10 minutes or 10 years after the attack. When someone feels that they’ve been assaulted ... LET THE PERSON EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS. Focus on listening instead of offering advice or asking questions. LET THE PERSON MAKE THEIR OWN CHOICES. You might present different options but they should decide what to do. LET THE PERSON KNOW HOW MUCH SUPPORT YOU CAN GIVE. Tell the person your limits about how much time and energy you can give rather than making unrealistic commitments.
Survivors of rape and other sexual violence often experience a variety of emotional and medical consequences. It is important to seek help immediately. Talking with a counselor can help you understand your feelings. You don’t have to go through this alone. WHAT YOU CAN DO IMMEDIATELY Go to a safe place. YOU CAN PRESS CHARGES Call the local or campus police. YOU MIGHT FEEL fearful for your personal safety. FOR MORE INFORMATION Contact your student health service, women’s center, police department or rape crisis or battery hotline (check the phone book). SUGGESTED READINGS SEXUAL ASSAULT ON CAMPUS: WHAT COLLEGES CAN DO. A. Adams and G. Abarnel. (Santa Monica Hospital Rape Treatment Center, 1988 IS DATING DANGEROUS? (American College Health Association, 1997) THE OTHER SIDE OF SILENCE: WOMEN TELL ABOUT THEIR EXPERIENCE WITH DATE RAPE. C. Carter. (Avocus Publishing, 1995) RECOVERING FROM RAPE. L. Ledray. (Henry Holt, 1986) ACQUAINTANCE RAPE: THE HIDDEN CRIME. A. Parrot and L. Bechhofer, editors. (Wiley and Sons, 1991) TALKING BACK TO SEXUAL PRESSURE. E. Powell. (CompCare Publishers, 1991) I NEVER CALLED IT RAPE. R. Warshaw. (Harper and Row, 1988)
-- A BROCHURE ABOUT SUBSTANCE ABUSE AND SEXUAL ASSAULT
Sexual assault is any sexual activity involving a person who does not or cannot consent. RAPE BY SOMEONE YOU KNOW... is one of the most common types of sexual assault (in most rapes, the victims of rape know their rapist). is often planned, using drugs or alcohol to facilitate it. is particularly hard to cope with because of your relationship before the assault. is often polarizing -- friends choosing to be friends with the victim or the perpetrator. RAPE IS NOT ABOUT SEX. IT IS ABOUT HAVING CONTROL OVER SOMEONE ELSE. RAPE UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ALCOHOL OR DRUGS... often occurs on the victim’s turf -- your car, your apartment, your bed, etc. It is difficult to leave the assault behind when there are reminders all around you. frequently goes unreported. The victim often feels responsible for the assault. is difficult to resolve legally because of the questionable credibility of witnesses, lack of evidence and the old cliche “it’s his word against hers!” HOW DOES ALCOHOL AFFECT YOU? Alcohol (any drink including beer, wine or hard liquor) is a depressant that affects all major organs in the body, including the brain, lungs, heart and kidneys. Alcohol affects judgment, mood, personality, motor ability, muscle function and reaction time. ALCOHOL AFFECTS EACH INDIVIDUAL DIFFERENTLY DEPENDING ON... your tolerance level YOUR NATURAL DEFENSE MECHANISMS MAY BE WEAKENED WHEN YOU ARE INTOXICATED... COMMUNICATION -- Your ability to say “no” clearly. PERCEPTION -- Your ability to foresee a dangerous situation. PROTECTION -- Your ability to physically defend yourself. INHIBITION -- Your saying or doing things you would not do if you were sober. MEMORY -- Your ability to recall specific, important details of the assault.
“My roommate invited some of his friends over to watch videos. I got tired and went to my room. On of his friends followed me because she said she wanted to talk to me. I sat down on my bed and before I knew what was happening, she climbed on top of me and started ripping my t-shirt off. I told her I wasn’t interested, but she wouldn’t leave. She bit me and clawed me and said if I ever told anyone, she would ruin me.” KNOW THAT... Alcohol and / or drugs, plus two or more people may set the scene for sexual violence. Many sex offenders plan and use this scene to take advantage of a person’s vulnerable state. Holding your friends accountable for their behavior may save them from committing a crime. If you are silent, others may believe you think it is okay.
OFFENDERS MAY USE ALCOHOL... ...to make you feel guilty (“You owe me because I bought you the booze!”). Underage drinkers often feel pressured to perform some sexual favor to pay for the drugs or alcohol provided by an adult. THE ADULT WHO FURNISHES DRUGS OR ALCOHOL TO MINORS TO SEXUALLY ASSAULT THEM COULD BE CHARGED WITH BOTH CRIMES. ...as an excuse to rape a victim (“I was drunk,” “I wasn’t thinking clearly,” or “I can’t remember.”) BEING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ANY CHEMICAL IS NOT A LEGAL DEFENSE FOR RAPE. ...in conjunction with a drug to further incapacitate the victim. Drugs that are slipped into beverages are odorless, tasteless and colorless and can cause physical impairment, blackouts and memory loss. IF THE DRUG CAN BE DETECTED IN THE VICTIM, THE PERPETRATOR COULD BE CHARGED WITH BOTH CRIMES. “For teens, drinking and sex is at least as dangerous as drinking and driving.” -- Joseph A. Califano, Jr., President of the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University “We went to a house party to celebrate the end of finals. I was the designated driver, so I only drank a can of soda. We played some games, then started dancing. When I came back, I finished off my can of soda. That’s the last I remember until I woke up at 2 o’clock the next day in a strange bed with all of my clothing off and my body hurting.” BE AWARE OF... Your own sexual boundaries and those of your date. To ignore, disrespect and force yourself on someone is against the law. Your own and your friends’ drinking limits. A sober friend may help. Your surroundings. If you had to leave, would you know how? There is usually safety in numbers. If you get separated from friends, search for them. Likewise, if you feel unsafe with a particular person, don’t be alone; ask a friend to stay with you.
Your Gut instincts -- if a situation doesn’t seem right, it probably isn’t. Your beverage -- leaving a drink unattended makes it easy for someone to drop a drug into it. Your driver’s substance use -- be prepared to call a cab or a friend for a safe ride home. Accepting a ride from someone at the party may put you at risk for assault. Your friends -- help them if they are not safe. Don’t let anyone take advantage of their vulnerability. “I went to my friend’s house; there were a lot of people there and they kept offering drinks to me. Finally, I passed out. I woke up with her stepdad on top of me and inside me -- I was so scared!”
The fact that you were drinking or using drugs, or had a drug slipped into your beverage did not cause the assault. The perpetrator of this crime used the opportunity to commit a CRIME. Call SOMEONE for information on, or assistance in reporting this crime. -- a trusted friend or relative can help you get started -- an advocate from a Sexual Assault Advocacy Program will help you figure out your options and will give you support as you work through the legal system and through your recovery. -- the Crisis Line can refer you to people who can help you. -- the emergency room of your local hospital can attend to your medical needs. -- the agency on the back of this brochure may refer you to the appropriate local resources. If you decide to report the assault, it would be wise to go to the Emergency Room of your local hospital as soon as possible. Wait to shower, bathe or douche until after the exam, so the crucial evidence isn’t destroyed. Being an extra set of clothing; the clothes you were wearing at the time of the assault may be needed for evidence. (The hospital may provide you clothing to wear home.) The exam can determine if there are internal injuries and document other physical injury or bruises, as well as test you for pregnancy and / or STD’s. If you were given alcohol, it is important that the hospital documents your blood alcohol level. If you suspect you were drugged, it is important that the doctor who performs the exam knows immediately. There is a narrow window of time to conduct the test that detects the drug that was used. KNOW THAT YOU SURVIVED
A TRAUMATIC EVENT! THIS PROJECT WAS DEVELOPED BY... SEXUAL ASSAULT SERVICES, INC. and funded by the Otto Bremer Foundation. To order more brochures, call or write: Sexual Assault Services, Inc. (218) 828-0494 RAINN Brochures --------->>>>>
An American is sexually assaulted every two minutes. Sexual assault is down by half since 1993, yet there were still 248, 000 sexual assaults in 2001. About 44% of rape victims are under age 18; about 15% are under age 12. One in six American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape. About 10% of sexual assault victims are men. About 2/3 of sexual assaults are committed by someone who is known to the victim. Less than 39% of sexual assaults are reported to law enforcement.
THE ISSUE AND THE FACTS Males are victimized by sexual violence -- whether as children, teens or adults. Sexual violence can be anything from inappropriate sexual touching, sexual exploitation of children, unwanted nonconsensual sexual advances, sexual harassment or forcible sex. All have immense impact on the male victim. One out of seven boys will be the victim of some type of sexual violence before age 18. (Finkelhor, Koss) According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, approximately 8-10 percent of reported rapes involve male victims. If this figure seems low, keep in mind that rape is one of the most underreported crimes in America. Being a male rape victim may increase the chances of this crime going unreported due to shame, humiliation or embarrassment on the part of the victim. In fact, males may be less likely to report a sexual victimization due to society’s refusal or reluctance to accept their victimization and by the victim’s belief that he must be strong and “tough it out” in silence. Although most sexual violence of males is perpetrated by other males, it is not necessarily perpetrated by homosexual males. Pedophiles who molest boys are not expressing a homosexual desire any more than pedophiles who molest girls are practicing heterosexual bahaviors. In fact, many perpetrators of sexual violence toward boys and men would identify as “straight” and may be married or have a girlfriend. It is important to remember that whether you’re a child or adult victim, the major factors in any sexual assault are aggression and force, not an expression of sexuality or desire. Therefore, the gender of the offender is not particularly relevant. Both men and women can and do sexually abuse boys and men. Remember that sexual violence is about power and control over another person. IMPACT OF SEXUAL VIOLENCE If you or someone you know has been a male victim of sexual violence, it is important to understand and recognize some of the feelings and behaviors that may be occurring. Male survivors -- whether sexually abused as children or adults -- may experience fear, anger and an overwhelming sense of loss of control over their bodies and selves, especially if they have been raised to believe that showing emotions is wrong or weak. The male survivor may also feel dirty, ashamed and guilty that he wasn’t “strong” enough to protect himself from such an assault. If the male survivor is heterosexual, he may believe that the assault means that he is gay or will become gay. Sexual identity may become an issue after a sexual assault of a male. Some males experience an erection and / or ejaculation during a sexual assault and may even feel aroused. This may cause concern to the male victim because he doesn’t understand what has happened to him physically. The fact is, erection and ejaculation can occur as involuntary reactions to stress and / or trauma. A male does not have to be sexually aroused to have an erection; he may ejaculate without having an orgasm, or he may have an involuntary orgasm. Males who are gay, bisexual or transgender may suffer from many of the same types of trauma as heterosexual male victims do. However, the gay victim may feel he is to blame for the sexual violence because of his lifestyle. Gay, bisexual and transgender men must also consider society’s homophobic attitudes in deciding whether or not to report or seek services. THE AFTERMATH OF ASSAULT After an assault, male victims may experience shame, guilt, fear, helplessness and anger. Young boys and teenagers may show aggression, withdrawal and / or delinquent behaviors such as fighting, lying, stealing or running away. Adult victims may experience such problems as depression, an inability to express feelings, sexual identity issues, decrease in self-esteem, difficulty maintaining trust and intimacy in interpersonal relationships and drug or alcohol abuse. Male victims may withdraw from consensual sexual activity because it may cause flashbacks of the assault. Masturbation may also bring on flashbacks. It is important to remember that all of these emotions and behaviors are normal reactions to severe trauma. WHERE TO GO FOR HELP Men and boys need to receive medical attention after an assault. The victim may suffer physical injuries such as cuts, bruises and internal injuries. He may have been exposed to STD’s. A rape exam should be performed in case the victim decides to prosecute. It is important that feelings of guilt and embarrassment not prevent the victim from seeking medical care. Male victims / survivors need support, understanding and assistance if recovery from sexual violence is to occur. It is possible to heal from the aftereffects of sexual violence. No matter whether it has been days, weeks or years since the sexual assault, talking about the experience with someone who cares and understands can be the first step on the road to recovery. Most rape crisis centers provide free and confidential services to all victims of sexual violence, including men. Throughout the years, traditionally female-oriented rape crisis services have expanded and today, help is available if you are a male victim / survivor of sexual violence. The more we talk about sexual violence of males, the more aware society will be of this crime. Men, boys and teenagers are sexually assaulted. But if we continue to deny the fact that men are victims, sexually abused males will continue to remain silent, not seeking the help they so deserve and need. For any male who has been sexually abused or assaulted, becoming free of rape myths and outdated ideas about who can and cannot be a victim is an essential part of the recovery process. For more information, contact your local sexual violence crisis center. www.fcasv.org |